The Basics of Relationship Therapy: Knowing What You Feel

Gideon Anderson

Bill, a software firm manager with sandy hair and bright blue eyes, first came to see me when he was 35 years old. He was married to Anne, an attractive brunette who was a full-time mom with their three-year-old son, Cody. After living with Anne for five years, Bill had lost touch with all the good feelings he felt, and that he was becoming tired of the same old routine in their connection.

For starters, Anne no longer seemed interested in Bill’s attempts at romance. When he wished to make love, she always seemed to have five family projects that had to be carried out. While there was a time when everyone would drop everything to become sexual, those days were long gone.

Bill brought home flowers after work to surprise Anne, but she scolded him saying they could not afford to spend that kind of cash while raising their son. Deep down, Bill felt angry and hurt because he had been hoping to do the small things that Anne was able to like. However, like countless men, he did not actually know what he was feeling other than a general down feeling. When he sensed this distress with Anne, he managed it by creating impulsive sarcastic comments. Sometimes he’d spend hours at the computer, a thing that he knew she disliked, simply to get even with her.

A brick wall has been gradually going up between both of these, and their love was getting buried. Since the wall went up, Bill began to have dreams about being with other girls. He began going to supper with a friendly feminine co-worker who made Bill feel as though he was attractive, important and valued.

Bill secretly began searching for an apartment, thinking he may want a separation. He had been tired of the chronic fighting with his wife, but each time he looked in an apartment could not help but wonder if this was what he actually desired. Bill didn’t want Cody to develop a dad he only saw on weekends. He wanted to give him the firmness his father never gave him but Bill didn’t wish to sacrifice his own happiness. He felt conflicted and confused.

When Bill felt lonely he ate junk food, he would binge drink (drinking alcohol together with the principal intention of getting drunk ). He was spending more money on food while he was cutting back on his workouts in the fitness center. As his marriage was going down the tubes, chatting with women on internet dating sites was his favorite pastime. This, at least, attracted a little excitement into his life.

The press does a superior job of boosting immediate gratification, which was a problem for both Anne and Bill since it’s for a significant percentage of couples. Delayed gratification involves having the ability to include and manage your emotions while listening to your partner, and many people do not want to endure this discomfort. Many people prefer immediate gratification over delayed gratification, and it causes too many marriages to end up in divorce. A number of these marriages could become outstanding if people would learn how to listen to their partners, ask great questions, maintain their feelings on hold and delay gratification. During hard discussions with Anne, Bill was impatient and found himself moving around in circles so that he distracted himself with alcohol, junk food and web surfing instead of carrying on the challenge of creating a solid union. Click here to get a free quote!

In fact, far too many unions and partnerships fall apart because of individuals:

1. Do not know what they are feeling, Distract themselves if they are feeling uneasy, rather than getting closer to their authentic feelings, Get exceptionally defensive and responsive during battles, and Quit expressing themselves to their own spouses.

The result over time is the construction of resentment, and love becomes buried. Since you get to know Bill, you will learn the way he had problems with all four. Bill’s most severe problem was self-medicating his pain with alcohol, which had been putting him and other people at risk. Gradually, Bill thought about seeing a connection therapist, however, he kept postponing it.

Getting Some Help

Bill chose to see me shortly after a police officer stopped him for driving under the influence. He knew he was going in the wrong direction and didn’t want to jeopardize his job. Bill was honest about what was occurring in his union and had the psychological health to see that he was partly responsible for his connection issues. Visit Dalton Associates here.

He confessed to having a rebellious side, which came out in his sarcastic comments toward Anne and his desire to get back at her. He confessed to deliberately leaving open the relationship website window hopes that Anne would get envious. The notion of telling her he felt hurt and wanted to have was something that never crossed his mind. It never crossed his mind because he was only dimly aware of the feelings, and slowly, brick by brick, and he pushed away from the individual he really loved.

Bill slowly opened up about getting some knowledge of a deep depression he traced back to developing an alcoholic dad. As a young boy, Bill remembered feeling fearful and hiding under his bed when his father was drunk and crying. In many ways, Bill believed he’d lost his dad to the bottle when Bill was just a preschooler. Without healthy support from his parents, Bill never heard about heart feelings such as grief, anger, anxiety, frustration, excitement and love/joy. See: Vaughan Counselling Services: General and Marriage Counselling

He also never learned to distinguish, which is a development process that involves learning skills and elegant subsets of skills while growing up. Since Bill never discovered to spot his core feelings, it was hard to express what he desired. This stifled the positive feedback from others that could eventually help Bill discover his true identity. The only way Bill would get essential nurturing and admiration was supposed to cater to his own parents’ wants, and thus he learned to put his own feelings aside and hold back. As time passes, this holding back drained a great deal of energy he might have used for learning.

Bill started to struggle with anxiety when he was around 12 years old – he tossed and turned and sometimes just could not fall asleep. Sometimes he felt as if he wanted to run off. In addition, he felt a moderate sense of melancholy that slowly improved through his teen years. Through those years he longed for his father to be there and support him, but instead, he felt lonely and destitute. This would have been an ideal time for Bill to do some relationship function.